Outrageous Land Masses

by jgr80

I noticed a street sign in Pittsburgh during the opening pictures of the hockey game.

Mario Lemieux Boulevard.

Pretty good chunk of land he's got there. I don't have any land named after me. I might not have anything named after me, actually. Some people are luckier than others on this one. Mario has a little work to go...

Here's the top 6, as far as I can tell (every one of these folks probably have more than what I have listed).

6. Christopher Columbus - Italian explorer
Colombia - 440,830 sq. mi.
British Colombia - 365, 950 sq. mi.
Colombia Plateau (U.S.) - 100,000 sq. mi
10 U.S. Counties (combined) - 6,720 sq. mi
Colon (Honduras) - 3,430 sq. mi.
Colon (Panama) - 3,150 sq. mi.
District of Colombia - 70 sq. mi.
Total --- 923,350 sq. mi.

5. Abel Janzoon Tasman- Dutch explorer
Tasman Sea (Pacific) - 900,000 sq. mi.
Tasmania (Australia) - 24, 900 sq. mi.
Tasman Peninsula (Australia) - 200 sq. mi.
Total --- 925,100 sq. mi.

4. James Weddell - British Seal Hunter
Weddell Sea (Antarctica) - 1,080,000 sq. mi.

3. Maud - Queen of Norway
Queen Maud Land (Antarctica) - 1,080,100 sq. mi.
Queen Maud Mountains (Antarctica) - 15,000 sq. mi.
Queen Maud Gulf (Nunavut, Canada) - 6,000 sq. mi.
Total --- 1,102,000 sq. mi.

2. Victoria, Queen of Britain
Queensland (Australia) - 666,790 sq. mi.
Victoria (Australia) - 227,620 sq. mi.
Great Victoria Desert (Australia) - 127,000 sq. mi.
Victoria Island (Canada) - 83,000 sq. mi.
Victoria Island (Antarctica) - 60,000 sq. mi.
Lake Victoria (Africa) - 26,000 sq. mi.
Victoria Strait (Canada) - 6,000 sq. mi.
Victoria, British Colombia - 210 sq. mi.
Total --- 1,188,310 sq. mi.

1. Amerigo Vespucci, Italian Explorer
North America - 9,360,000 sq. mi.
South America - 6,883,000 sq. mi.
Total --- 16,243,000 sq. mi.

Rod Stewart Story of the Month

by jgr80

I grew up on Rod Stewart. My parents are big fans. They always played Rod the Bod in the car on trips whenever I was young. There's a special spot in me for the old fella. I'd say that spot lies somewhere in 1994 or so. Before then, there were a few times in his career I'm sure he would have liked to take back. But ever since then, he's just been ridiculous.

Roderick used to be in excellent shape. In earlier times, he was a grave digger, a fence erector, and nearly a professional footballer. Rocking out from 1962 to 2001 probably kept him in pretty good shape as well.

Poor old Rodney... I guess trying to be Frank Sinatra for the last seven years has taken its toll. His newly updated tour rider calls for 2 oxygen machines. They need to be ready for him before, during, and after his sets and are to be placed near stage.

He also needs 48 FIFA Soccer balls and $16,000 of food?!









I gotta say Tom Waits does the better version. Rodlington is close though, with special thanks to the added fromage in this video.

slide whistle

I got a slide whistle for christmas last year. I've been trying to learn ever since. this guy impresses me. I'm sure his meals are delicious as well.

Wii Girl Video: Incredible Aptitude followed by Impressive Ineptitude

by jgr80

Maybe you've seen this video. You know the one... the one of the girl playing the hula-hoop game for her Nintendo Wii Fit.

I won't embed the video on this site because it's probably not suitable for work or around kids. But you can see it here if you like.

The video is a few days old. As of the last time I watched it, it has been watched nearly 800,000 times (it wasn't just me, I swear).

I'm fascinated with the internet, I must say. Just the mere idea of it. This video is a testament to that. I first found it on Digg. The video is called Why every guy should buy their girlfriend a Wii Fit. After I got over the initial grammar mistake in the title, one of my next thoughts was that if I had a girlfriend, it is likely I would also have a Wii Fit.

I had been duped... dupadee duped.

This video was made by an advertising company. And this is brilliant viral marketing. But dude, you let the secrets get out... you uploaded the video under the user name 'tinsleyadvertising.' What did you think was going to happen?!

The L.A. Times picked it up this morning. The guy's response appears to be more spin to me. Sure, she didn't know she was being filmed. She always plays video games in her underwear with the windows wide open.

The idea of such viral advertising is incredible and I'm happy it was thought up by someone so young. He still has time to find the error of his ways and use his smarts for something better than advertising.

PUT AN END TO CHIMPANZEE RACISM!!

by jgr80

Finally!! This is up for debate:

Court Claim: Chimps Are People, Too

Jeanna Bryner
Senior Writer
LiveScience.comThu May 29, 9:55 AM ET

Matthew, a 26-year-old chimp, is headed to court in Europe as part of a human effort to classify him as a person.

Beyond the legal challenges, anthropologists say chimpanzees are not humans, though without a clear definition of what it means to be human, backing that claim up is a challenge perhaps fit for some great courtroom drama. (continue...)

The key to the entire incipience of this argument comes in the first line of the story... Perhaps unconsciously -- or maybe... nay... hopefully, completely on purpose-- the reporter regards the human fighting for the rights of this monkey, Paula Stibbe, as an imbecilic Neanderthal. Her stunningly vacuous thoughts were somehow, unbelievably, motivated into action.

Matthew, a 26-year-old chimp, is headed to court in Europe as part of a human effort to classify him as a person.

A human effort?!! for a chimpanzee to be considered a person? There have been some nasty moments in human history when it comes to getting recognition as persons. But each of these gruesome and violent fights have been fought by the individuals wanting the right. Is the chimp fighting the fight? If so, what does he think about all this?

"Everybody who knows him personally will see him as a person," Stibbe told the Evening Standard.

Oh, the monkey can't speak for himself?! interesting...

Ms Stibbe, you are a certifiable idiot. Oh, there will be a movie made about this, I am sure. How many girlfriends has he had? How many books has he read? How many seconds did you think about it before making the decision to go to court on this?

As a 26-year-old, being granted the title of 'person' would give this monkey the right to vote, run for office, own property, receive health care, etc. And not just this monkey... it would set a precedent that would spread all over the European Union. Imagine that... Look! Sarkozy's deputy has a tail!

What happens when Matthew wants emancipation from his legal guardian because her blockheadedness is causing him concern?

Everyone involved in this entire debacle is a primate for considering this. Take care of the animal. Get him a home. Feed him. Give him a happy life. Don't give him a social security card.


yup... a person

Master of the Internet

Oh. Em. Gee.

I want this guy on a t-shirt.

Don Cherry on Loan

Just watching the finals here and I noticed...

ESPN (which owns TSN-- a sports rival in Canada of CBC) is borrowing Don Cherry. And using CBC infrastructure to do it.



Go Penguins.

Keith Olbermann

Sometimes good editorialists do bad editorials.

I usually like Olbermann's rants, and so to redeem his stature after his ridiculous Hillary Clinton speech below I thought I should post these brilliant and hilarious anti-Bush sentiments. Sorry it's divided. I couldn't find one that was one video.

Yikes

Sure, it's cool now, but wait until you see Kung Fu Panda. Then you have to pay to have it removed.

Hilldog goes woof?

by jgr80

Big shock. Slate reports that the sinking ship that is the life of Hillary Clinton has a 0.5% chance of success in her bid for the Democratic nomination. Whatever. American politics is a freakshow. I don't care.

I care about the media though. Remember last week... the assassination thing? RFK and Obama have more in common than people think? The I-can't-drop-out-because-my-opponent-could-die card? Right?... yes, that one...

Let's have a look, eh...

Big words mean big news at the New York Post...
The Washington Post may be a bit more balanced... a bit...
The New York Times, again, on the aftermath rather than the comment itself.



Here's what she said...

quite clearly, she is talking about the month of June, and not anything morbid.

and, again, here's how some folks decided to report it...


(haha, the flinch at 1:37)
Debates without opposition can be so one-sided. I love the end of this video when he invokes all of the political violence over the years merely to say that it should not ever be invoked.

Sure, she's had a terrible campaign, and is probably one of the most conservative candidates to run for the liberal side of America... and maybe she was out of the race long ago, but the outrage is on the same absurd parallel as when a boob blinked on stage during the superbowl.

Open your eyes.

Important Day in Canadian History - Part 2: PEI

by jgr80

May 27th 1873 - The colony of PEI, which had been governing itself for over 100 years at this point since cutting administrative ties with Nova Scotia in 1769, votes to enter into Confederation. Six years after the day the four original provinces decided to huddle together, PEI was made the fifth province on July 1, 1873.

PEI was bankrupt in the years leading up to confederation, after running out of British funds from trying- quite obsequiously- to build a railroad. The government didn't want to join Canada, but needed to go somewhere or face ruin. The United States had sent envoys who parlayed with the Island, desperate for a beautiful Island territory. They would have to settle for Hawaii.

The British were tired of having to support such a tiny fraction of what remained in British North America and scaled back their finances.

And John A. MacDonald had no interest in American expansionism on both sides of Canadian soil.

MacDonald offered to buy up the railroad debt and financed the provincial government to rid itself of absentee landowners. MacDonald could have been one of the first people to use the phrase "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." And considering how slow and drunk MacDonald was, it's likely he sounded like Don Corleone... only Scottish.

By no means am I a PEI history expert. This was something I noticed here and looked into a little bit. The reason I wanted to post this was because the government's telling of PEI history is pretty bad.

I've also been thinking of a way to get some Histor!ca vignettes into a post... and this overdubbed gem commemorates events that happened right around the same time, even if they are completely unrelated.

Hmm... I'm thinking of a drinking game.

Meet Bob Barr...

by jgr80

"In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." - Andy Warhol

Bob Barr is running for President of the United States. Recently, he won the right to run on the well-known Libertarian ticket.

Rather than comment on the circus that is the American politics, let's see what YouTube has to offer... Here is Barr on the stalwart, fair and balanced FoxNews. Notice the amazing..er... amusing interview skills of the reporter.




Hmm... a fairly justified and balanced argument from Mr. Barr... I like him.

What about his official statements...



Ok, ok... doesn't seem like he's running as technologically savvy a campaign as Obama, but he's part of the circus... The editing off the top suggests to me that the ad took somewhere in the range of 89 takes to finish, but hey, he's no professional actor, right!? The government should not be telling its "people how to run their businesses, buy their homes, educate their children..." Hmm.. yeah I think I like him.

Oh look, he is an actor...



Too bad he wasn't running back when the national Libertarian slogan was "a boarding school for every child, a kitchen for every wife, and a bar for every man." They could have just capitalized the 'b' and added an 'r'... it would have been the most dynamic and ironic slogan in political history. Best of luck, former Congressman. Watch out, McCain.

Important Day in Canadian History.

by jgr80

Today, way back in 1879, stands as an important day in Canadian history. It was not, as far as I can tell, important to Canadian history before about 2001. Obviously, it wasn't important to the 2 3/4 year old country of Canada at the time. May 26th, 1879 is the day when Russia and England signed the Treaty of Gandamak, which set out the borders and officially recognized Afghanistan as a nation-state. That's right, two European countries decided where and what Afghanistan was.

...the Crusaders, the Mongols, the Turks, and even earlier-- the Middle East has always been a violent place. But before the British became financially involved with the Ottomans in the 1700s, the Middle East was fighting among themselves the same way Europeans and their descendants fought in revolutionary wars and the like.

In the 250 odd years since Britain became involved in the Middle East, Western powers have in some shape or form occupied Middle Eastern lands. Most grandparents in the Middle East don't have any stories to pass onto their grandchildren of better times or of hope or of anything different than being occupied in some form or another. They have always lived under worry, stress, and despair.

Until fairly recently, Western powers were always in the Middle East for Western interests. Maybe this isn't the case with Canadians in Afghanistan. Maybe a term NATO chooses not to use is 'occupation.' Either way, be it positive or negative, we, as a Western country, are in some manner perpetuating a grizzly 250 year tradition.

I recently met a serviceman who had just come back to Canada from Afghanistan. For this post, his name can be Jim (his name was not Jim). He was in Halifax at the time, a military city, and had not made his way back to his home province of Ontario, because of his duties to the military.

Over a few drinks, he explained to us (four of us in the room) his reasons, and what he believed were our military's reasons for being involved in this war. Our military is performing amazing humanitarian acts in a place that needs someone to come in and do these things. Jim told story after story of the help he and the other servicemen and women were doing, from building much needed infrastructure, adapting outdated education to the modern world, restoring law and order, and just creating a sense of normalcy.

Despite agreeing with everything Jim had to say about his experiences and beliefs about Afghanistan, there was a fundamental divide across the room between the half of the room that agreed that Canada should be in Afghanistan and the half of the room who believed the opposite.

Without getting into a long rant on the more complex idealogical beliefs circling in my head about the actions of our military... I think they are doing good things in Afghanistan, but that they should not be there, especially in the underfunded fashion that our government sends them there.

Further reading (from a variety of political backgrounds):
Michael Neumann for Counterpunch
Canada in Afghanistan: Top Ten Under-reported facts for Globalresearch.ca
Government of Canada: Rebuilding Afghanistan
CBC In Depth: Afghanistan
Thomas Walkom for TheStar.ca: Afghanistan was never Canada's War
The Globe & Mail: Canada's Mission in Afghanistan
History of Afghanistan from Wikipedia- I read a few books for a course in university about Afghan history. There is a disclaimer concerning the validity of the Wikipedia article, but it seems to be fairly accurate compared to the other things I've read.
Kevin Sites in Afghanistan

This reporter has a fantastic job

by jgr80

No foul play suspected as fourth disembodied foot washes up in B.C.

ANNA MEHLER PAPERNY
From Saturday's Globe and Mail
May 23, 2008 at 10:24 PM EDT

VANCOUVER — There is no indication foul play is involved in four disembodied feet that have washed up on islands off the southwest coast of British Columbia, RCMP Constable Annie Linteau said Friday.

“We now have no information to suggest this latest … foot was forcibly removed,” she said... (continue...)

This gal wrote about the guy below who played dead as the bear was "eating his brains." She must be having a blast reporting this stuff the last week or so.

The answers from the police are precious, too. "Nope, no foul play here. Severed feet wash up all the time." I know there's a lot more LSD and weed out in BC, but how many drugs to you have to take before something that makes national news in the rest of the country seems fairly normal in your community? That's four right feet wearing sneakers-- without their owners. Personally, I've very attached to my feet.

This is happening in a secluded and small area-- and clearly, it doesn't take a detective to know that something is not adding up. But apparently BC police has detectives figuring it out. They've come up with the no violence/no foul play theory.

The spokeswoman doesn't mind adding the qualifier that she cannot give any other details about the type of sneakers or the sex of the others because it could compromise the investigation. What are they investigating that they can't tell the public if there is no foul play?

According to the detective-murder-mystery television programs I've wasted so many hours watching.... the no-violence theory means "I really don't want to continue investigating this one, Erv. Can't you put me on a new case?"

Coke

by jgr80

I'm generally a vegetarian. I became one because of the energy it takes to make meat compared to grains and vegetables. The world is in an energy crisis; I just think it's responsible. Not so much because I grow a wet one over animal welfare (and although I believe that's a valid reason for being a vegetarian, it has never made me one). A friend was surprised recently that I would keep coke in a cupboard at my place since vegetarians obviously have such a healthy lifestyle.

First off, just because someone doesn't eat meat doesn't mean they don't eat cheez-whiz and oreos.

Second, just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean I don't need mix.

Third, I keep coke around the house, but not for drinking. No, no. That would be gross.

1. I went to St.F.X and wear the ring proudly. Coke cleans it off whenever it loses its luster.
2. Coke cleans the grime and filth and stains off my pants whenever I'm working with grease or get grass-stains.
3. A little coke will cure my upset stomach during a hangover.
4. The internet tells me it does plenty of other medicinal things for stomachs, which I didn't know before I found out I wasn't allowed to have the stuff because of vegetarianism. Coke apparently cures diarrhea, flatulence, and constipation. (Sorry about the picture... but its just too fitting)
   
5. The internet also says that coke will strip the paint off of metal and clean blood off of clothes. Awesome.
   

This video is mildly related. I'm sure the people who made the video don't drink coke just like me--but for different reasons apparently. More than likely, they're vegetarians, as well-- but again, for different reasons

Are you kidding me?

by jgr80

This post is about baseball, for those of you who don't care about that sort of thing.

What the deuce happened to the Blue Jays last night against the Angels? Look at the boxscore. (It's a good thing Eckstein wasn't playing, cause he's just too little and cute to badmouth... it's too bad he CAN'T play even when he's healthy)

T.O. had 11 hits to Anaheim's 4... and still lost. The worst baserunning I have ever seen. How many brainfarts does it take to wake up and get your head in the game? Between the errors, baserunning mistakes, fielding flubs... it's clearly more than ten.

And for the amount of money the Jays are spending on these guys-- especially what Rios is making-- their heads should always be in the game. Rios didn't advance to 2nd base on a passball that went 30 feet behind the catcher. So there's a runner on 1st and 3rd instead of 2nd and 3rd... Next batter: inning ending double-play instead of RBI fielder's choice. Stupid.


Speaking of double-plays... the lowly Jays grounded into three more, bringing their running total after 48 games to 58 for the season. They're on pace to smash the all-time record of 174 by about 21 (58/48*162=195). So even if you have a pile more baserunners and a pile more hits than your opponent, if you can't get them around the bases, you are going to lose.

If you want to make the playoffs, these are games you have to win. You know... the games where you outplay your opponents. Such games ones are important. These players are better than they are playing. The coach is not getting their value out of them. Fire Gibbons.

I jumped on the Red Sox bandwagon a few years ago and stopped cheering for the Jays because they were too stupid to endure for a number of years. They made offseason moves I supported and seemed like the Jays were back in business. I started cheering for them again. This is frustrating.

They have the ingredients to make a good team and keep going to the grocery store instead of getting down to cook. What is a Brad Wilkerson anyway?! and why does it get the chance to lead off the batting order?

23-25. Keep doing the country proud.

Playing Dead

by jgr80

This guy must have balls as big as grapefruit... as big as small dogs.

MAN PLAYS DEAD AS GRIZZLY CHEWS

Anna Mehler Paperny

From Saturday's Globe and Mail -May 16, 2008 at 9:37 PM EDT

Like chewing the gristle on a chicken bone.

That's how Brent Case describes the grizzly bear gnawing on the back of his head.

Mr. Case was trying to play dead, hoping the bear would eventually leave him alone.

“I don't know why I didn't scream because I was in so much pain,” he said. “I wanted to scream blue murder.” (continue...)

This guy also knows how to play dead. But he has small balls - the size of small grapes.

SPANISH POLICE NAB BURGLAR PLAYING DEAD AT FUNERAL HOME

Wednesday, April 02, 2008 - Associated Press

MADRID, Spain — A burglar who broke into a funeral home tried to fool police by playing dead, but two things gave him away.

First, he breathed. Plus, he wore grungy clothes rather than the Sunday best of those dressed for eternal rest.

Police and the Crespo Funeral Home said Wednesday they have no idea what the 23-year-old Spanish man was trying to steal in the break-in March 17 in Burjassot, a small town just outside Valencia. (continue...)

Chasing that dream

by jgr80

The cat was chasing a tuna can all over the floor in my family's kitchen. I rushed to find my camera.

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." Langston Hughes

As you can see, she's a pretty well-fed cat. I've seen her behave in this obsessive sort of way before-- not just over food. I've seen other domesticated animals do it as well. I think there's an instinctual call-of-the-wild part of the brain that doesn't get turned off completely in their brains. It gets flipped on in moments like these. Moments like when a cat plays with a bird or a mouse.

Keep chasing that dream, BK.

Man Spray

by jgr80

Check this out:

Two major supermarkets were cordoned off by police today after a man shocked shoppers by spraying urine on the food.

The raider entered Morrisons in Glevum Way, Gloucester at around 11.20am and fired a "foul-smelling substance" - thought to be urine - on meat, salad and fruit (continue ...)

I am always amazed by the ingenuity of weird criminals. This is clearly just gross. But I still need a little more from the article. The shortcomings of structure, style, and the picture aside-- where is the info about methodology?

I was thinking originally that it would have been a classy spray bottle, intricately prepared before the trip to the supermarket, exhaling a fine mist over the unsuspecting produce with each gentle squeeze. But then there's the innocuous mention of a tube. This could obviously be a hundred different things.

They say that the man's actions posed no danger. I wonder what kind of punishment he can get just for being gross.

Call CSI.

Maritime Tattoo Festival

by jgr80

Saturday marked the beginning of the Maritime Tattoo Festival.

I have no tattoos. But I've been interested for a while. It was exactly what you would think it was. People getting tattoos. People selling tattoo stuff. Lots of scary people.

Lucky Diamond Rich was there. He is the world's most tattooed man. Pretty strange sight. The man doesn't really operate on any social norms. The guy even has tattoos on the inside of his foreskin.

What else in the world could a guy like this do for a living other than tattoos and stage performing.

The World's - Part 5

by jgr80

A few days ago I blogged a rather cynical remark about Canadian fans at the hockey games. Here's some pictures from the Canada vs Norway quarter final game. The last game Team Canada was to play in Halifax.

I took these pictures during gameplay in the first period. EDIT: I was told that five or so minutes into the game, the Metro Centre or the IIHF or TSN or someone of such power made the decision to give tickets away. Thousands of them. Meaning barely anyone bought tickets to see the game in the first place.

Many of the international fans that were going to every game-- lots of Latvians, gaggles of Germans, a slew of Slovenians, for example-- had left the city to go back home. Each game had a few hundred of these folks.

And sure, the game was on a Monday during a regular day's work schedule. I spoke to a lot of people who were taking work off to go to the game though.

It's funny that when an event of this caliber comes to Canada - the first nation of hockey - and our team is playing, we can't fill a 9000 seat stadium.

This comes from a so-called "hockey crazed" city that begs for huge events, especially concerts, to come to them every summer-- fighting it out with the other cities in the region, creating unnecessary rivalries about municipal governments. If I were a promoter looking in the stands at this event, I wouldn't be thinking of lots of people coming out to The Commons to see Celine Dion or The Eagles.

Once they did get a few more bums in the seats, the fans were pretty good. They cheered and jeered as one would expect.

At the end of the game, Team Canada - as they had throughout the tournament - thanked the fans. They thanked a little longer this time, as it was their last game in Halifax. Overall, the fans were pretty good when the team needed them. There was a big penalty kill against the USA --lasting nearly 6 minutes-- that would have been real tough for the Canadians to kill without the fans.

The biggest thing about the fans for me, was that they were so negative about everything compared to international fans. The international fans cheered their team no matter if they were winning or losing. The Canadian fans didn't cheer for their team so much as they booed the refs and booed other teams.

As you can see, the stands filled up a bit more by the end of the game.

The World's - Part 4

by jgr80


Stephen Harper was at the Canada vs. Finland game.

At the 2nd whistle or so (because the first whistle was a Canada goal) they showed him on the jumbotron so that everyone could be in awe of his presence. Some people booed. Others looked around to find where he was.

I knew he was in attendance before the game began. So I didn't jump on this right away. I had announcing stuff to do. But it was one of those things I was told for encouragement.


IIHFGuy This is important. It's the Canada Finland game. They both finished first. Do a good job.
JGR80 OK.

IIHFGuy The Prime Minister's here, so you have to do a good job. Don't be nervous.
JGR80 OK. That would make me more nervous if I voted for him. But I don't care.

At about two minutes into the first period, a wayward puck goes into the stands about 10 rows over my right shoulder.

The first thing over the radio is panic.

RADIO the puck hit the prime minister. (pause...)

JGR80(soliloquy) Oh geez. This should make for funny news tomorrow. Did the Finnish player shoot it? Could be an incident.

RADIO (still pausing...) The guy's a right-wing. He shouldn't have been on that side of the ice.

Hardy har har.

...

First intermission rolls around though and I figured it might be neat to get a picture since he's doing non-stop photo-ops when the game is not on. I am the announcer after all. Maybe I can skip the line-up.

I get real close to the head of the line. And the most bizarre thing happens.

My phone rings. Fine. Whatever. The phone rings all the time. I'm in line to get the picture. I'm not answering it. Then one of his handlers makes it his business.

HARPERBODYGUARD Could you please answer your phone, sir?

JGR80 I'll call em back. I don't want to bug the other folks in line.

HARPERBODYGUARD Answer your phone, sir. Please step over here.

He shuffled me out of line. I didn't get my picture. This was the best I could do.


















The puck didn't hit him. He did sit right beside Rodney MacDonald who posed for a total of 0 pictures during intermissions.

The World's - Part 3

by jgr80

Cosmic Carousal is not a hockey blog. Just so happens I've been spending a lot of time at the rink. There are actually a few other writers signed on to post, who will likely never mention hockey unless it is to make fun of my earlier posts. They will be here shortly.

This post is also related to hockey.

There are a lot of breaks in the games. There are the regular ones that anyone who understands hockey would expect... goals, whistles, period ends, etc. But with televised games, there are also commercials.

For all the millions of people watching around the world, there are thousands of people in the game arena. There's not enough time during a commercial to go for a beer. There's nothing happening on the ice. It's just enough time to make those drunk fans I blogged about the other day really upset.

Well, the jumbotron usually gets in on the action. Most of the time its a generic animation telling the fans to "make noise" or "get loud" or "clap hands." Some people pay attention to these (drunk fans), and the others (non-drunk fans) turn to whoever they're sitting with and jock-talk about the game.

Those pesky jumbotron guys likes to switch it up though. They do a 50/50 announcement. They do advertisements. They do replays. My personal favorite is the "Kiss Cam." Insert video here.



This was not even one of the more entertaining episodes of the IIHF "Kiss Cam." It was just the one that I was prepared to video. The things come without warning. I had been planning on it for a few games.

There is always a build-up in tension... Somehow the camera men are able to keep the funniest couple to the end.

During one game, they decided to put the two guys doing the stats work in the penalty box on the cam. Which was only funny to the people who knew them. I was lucky enough to be one of the people who found it funny.

One time they put two drunk male fans on screen. They didn't bite.

One time they put two females on screen. They bit. For about five seconds. It was cool.

Sometimes they put up people and no one realizes they're on screen. Like five couples in a row. No one kissing. The bit nosedives from the jumbotron right to centre ice. Then they go to canned footage of Homer and Marge making out at various times throughout The Simpsons.

But one time... they put a couple up on screen... one of the first ones, too, so it wasn't the big finish by any means... The guy on camera turns to the camera man, looks straight into the camera and says "SHE'S MY SISTER!" Dude was horrified. The crowd laughed harder than at anything else in any other game I was at.

The World's - Part 2: The first Game

by jgr80

I blogged yesterday that I lost the announce gig but was promptly reinstated. So I had been watching the tournament for a few days just waiting to get the call. My first game was to be Friday at 4:30. Finland and Latvia.

So like any good script reader, I was practicing the night before. Some familiar names, lots of unfamiliar names and I didn't want to make a goof of myself by not pronouncing them correctly. This was necessary. The names weren't easy.

Didn't take lots of practice, but it was still important to go over.

I get a call in the morning.

Now I'm a bit of a nighthawk. I was up late for no real reason other than I didn't have to be up all that early.

The call comes at about 11:30. The call wakes me up.

It's the tournament organizer.

ORGANIZER The announcer for the early game is at the doctor. We need you here now. The first announcement is in 10 minutes. Can you do it?

JGR80 Yes I can.
JGR80BRAIN No, you can't.
JGR80 ... yes... I... can...

JGR80 The next bus comes in a few minutes. I can be there in like 30 minutes.

ORGANIZER I'm sending a car.

The game is between Slovakia and Slovenia. Eeek, no practice.

So now I'm not prepared for my first game and have 3 minutes to fill in the blanks of the script and make the first announcement. I'd love to say that I had the wherewithal to pull it off without a hitch.

There were many hitches. Big ones. Big enough that if the hitches were on a wall or cliff somewhere, they would not only be big enough to support the weight of a climber, the climber would have enough room to set-up base camp.

Not only did I not know the names, I didn't realize the mic I was using was not the kind of mic I'm used to using. Doing the broadcast thing with radio and tv, I'm fairly used to using a directional type of mic to read into... Nope. Didn't realize this til halfway through the first.

The announcer's mic, which clearly makes sense in an arena, is a noise reduction mic. The kind rock bands use. So the singer can get pretty clear vocals and not pick up the sound from the other instruments. Which is why rock band vocalists sing with the mic in their mouths. Because it doesn't pick up sound very well even a few inches away.

I held the mic a few inches away until about half way through the first.

No one in the arena heard the starting line-ups, or any of the other huge spiel at the beginning of the game.

The second game was better. No hitches.

The World Hockey Championships - Part 1

by jgr80

The World Hockey Championships are being held in Halifax this year. I stumbled upon this gig, a few weeks ago, where I get to make announcements during the games. There was a bit of an audition and stuff, and I got the job.

During the week, I had been helping my uncle get ready for the lobster season 2.5 hours out of town. I had to correspond over email about the announcing and make trips back to Halifax when I needed to be at the arena.

Then there was the practice game. The TV guys are all there to make sure everything runs smoothly, the performers are doing mic checks, the referees are making sure the ice is up to snuff, the announcers are going through the scripts, etc.

And then I lost the job.... only really finding out when I got back to Halifax. Having been on the water that morning, it was a rushed trip back to the city, only to find out I wouldn't be working.

A crushing defeat.

And then on the second day of the tournament, I was reinstated. the 3rd stringer role. Meaning I do a lot of watching hockey from the front row at centre ice while someone else makes the announcements in the chair beside me. And I do a little announcing as well-- there's like 25 games in Halifax, I work about 4 of them.

The tournament is a two week cluster of hockey, celebrities, parties, etc. I find myself thrown into the middle of it without having done much to get there or doing a whole lot to stay. This provides tons of time to observe......

1. John Ferguson Jr and Lindy Ruff would rather sit in seats with the fans at this event than the primo boxes or primo VIP seats.
2. Steve Yzerman walks with his head down in what appears to be either a lack of confidence (unlikely) or he's trying not to be recognized (more likely). He was recognized, and his hand was shaken. He was not wearing any oversized championship rings.
   
3. Pat Burns likes beers at hipster bars. Not sports bars. Not meat markets. He told me so. Over a beer. He was wearing oversized championship rings.
4. Jean Beliveau is an incredible person to see. Just to see. No hand shake. No shared experience. Just a hello. I think my jaw dropped and I responded with an awed primordial grunt of some kind. He did not wear oversized championship rings. Although, I find this reasonable since I only counted 12 fingers.

   From Wikipedia - "Beliveau's name appears on the Stanley Cup a record seventeen times, including seven times as an executive for the Canadiens 1973, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1986, 1993." [1]

5. Drunk fans smile a lot more while on the Jumbotron than sober fans. (these links have nothing to do with hockey, btw)
   
6. 2/5ths or more of the attendance misses the opening faceoff, even when Canada is playing.
7. Pro Hockey players are much dirtier in real life than on TV, figuratively and literally.
8. Int'l fans love their country's team; CDN fans dislike teams from other countries.

I got a bit of a promotion after the last game I announced. Rather than announcing a game with teams who's countries names both end with '-ia', I will be announcing Canada vs. Finland on Monday. A slight change of pace, indeed. The teams both finished first in their pools.

Person Jean Beliveau

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